Slip and slide
Sometimes I wonder if I am strong enough to do it all. Everywhere I look it is shoved in my face how we women “can have it all”. But the whole having it all dance leaves me spinning, burned out and harried. It also leads into behavior choices that are comfortable but poor. Filling the emotional void with stuff that doesn’t actually fill the void or ease the pain.
I feel my honesty is important on my blog. If I am going to preach “living authentically” then I need to practice living authentically even if or maybe more importantly when it’s not all peachy keen easy peasy.
I was doing really super and feeling great after the initial withdrawal from vaping. I was so happy and felt proud of this huge accomplishment. I still got cravings, mostly in certain atmospheres. It had been a month.
And then I began to listen to my brain. And my brain began to convince me that I could be a “social or an occasional” nicotine vape user and that the effects truly aren’t that bad, and we all go eventually. Blah, blah, blah….. All kinds of nonsense bullshit attempts to rationalize my cravings. And eventually I listened to my addictive brain and succumbed to that compulsion. Which leaves me here…. tail between my legs, chasing the desire to stop……again. Feeling defeated and pitiful and wondering can I really do this? What the fuck is wrong with me? Because I know better, truly I do. But sometimes I give in to the nag of old comforts. And comforts isn’t truly even an accurate description. For while they may provide me temporary momentarily comfort. The impact is chipping away at my inner confidence. I am questioning the strength of my will, determination, discipline, and self-love.
Here are my creature comfort behaviors that I wish to be rid of. Tell me can you relate?
- Smoking/ vaping nicotine (used to be cigarettes)
- Shopping- buying things I truly have no need for that are pretty
- Eating- I love junk food and sweets
It’s not that I am anti any of these behaviors. I personally feel huge amounts of shame when I engage in these things compulsively or with poor self control. Or when I choose one of these comforts to try and remedy or fix my emotional turmoil.
So maybe my hang up is not with the acts themselves but more with the drivers.
How can I identify and soothe myself prior to participating in behaviors that impose negative after effects?
What is at the root of these emotions being triggered and why do I reach for these BS fillers?
Why do I self-sabotage?
Obviously, I have more work to do. Internal deep soul searching.
I recognize that I am human and that means that I will falter and fail. However, my slips do not have to define me. These obstacles do not have to obliterate my self-worth.
Recently, I have been listening to an audiobook by David Goggins called “Can’t Hurt Me”. His enlightening explanation of our mind having a tactical advantage over us and always deferring to the path of least resistance really makes sense to me. This is exactly where I find myself now.
So guys, that’s where I am now. Clamoring for my footing, trying to locate and engage my inner drive and begin again, or continue forth.
Be sure that I will proceed on my journey in a forward direction. This is just a slip, this is not me.
What are your go-to vices that you wish you could free yourself of?