I am a very lucky girl. Mr. Reinvention is a genuine expert at knowing what I need. He is my anchor. Capable of retrieving me when I feel so deeply lost, alone and far away. Yet, he somehow knows when I need fetching and when to be a keeper of space. Allowing me the emotional exploration I need to process. Often I imagine him walking a delicate tightrope of my emotional state. Observing, gauging then acting according to assessment.
Walking along side someone you love while they suffer some of the most incredible pain and grief is nothing short of an art form.
As humans most of us are “fixers” or “solvers”. We are not very good at just “being” for another human.
Just being creates anxiety in us because the state of discomfort reminds us of our own fragility and lack of control. Staying in and moving through pain as we are ready to? This is foreign to most of us. Familiar to me now, though through no choice of my own, I have learned to sit and exist with my emotional discomfort. To know that just as each emotion does, the dark and cloudy ones will pass too. Maybe not exactly on my prescribed timeline, but they do. I just have to stay afloat. And stay afloat I have. But I know that I haven’t done it alone. I have had the pure luck of being secure in Mr. Reinvention’s unwavering love, support and respect for many many years now. He is naturally capable of holding space for me and other humans. I marvel at his effortless talent. With him I can always unapologetically be me exactly where I am.
Frankly, I don’t know how or why he is so crazy about me. Why he has stuck around and stuck it out through so much havoc and bullshit. Most of which neither of us had any control over but still. Other people have bailed for lesser obstacles. I have to check my guilt over putting him through so much in our life together. Like somehow I could have prevented family catastrophes and deaths?! Sometimes I feel that if we hadn’t met and fell in love his life would have been easier. He hates when I say those things out loud. He is the only, the only person in my life who has not abandoned me, ever. Not emotionally, nor physically. I am astounded by that. Given my long history of revolving door family members, more former step-parents and siblings than I can count on both hands and all the instability of growing up with unstable parents.
Mr. Reinvention is my steadfast rock. Quietly strong and sure. Letting me be me. Loving me for me. Supporting all of my crazy ideas and dreams.
We are not a perfect couple. We have tussles, disagreements and miscommunications. But even among the messy moments I know he is there. I know when we cool off and calm down we will work it out and reconnect. I know he’s not going anywhere. And though these feelings of trust and security are still so foreign and challenging for me (Yes, even after our 20+ years together. Thanks childhood!). I know my mainstay will remain, safely holding my heart.
Who’s your anchor?