Lately I have been pondering reciprocity in relationships….. Mostly because I am tired of getting my feelings hurt every time an extension of my affection for someone is slighted. I am tired of exerting unmatched energy into building the relationship. I have been considering how mutual some of my “friends” are and whether I’d like to continue to actively pursue relationships with people that are unavailable to me.

Fortunately, I am in a much healthier place than I used to be. In the past, if I was rejected by a friend I would turn myself inside out with feelings of hurt and rejection. I would obsess and puzzle over what was wrong with me for days? Why didn’t this person find me worthy of their time and attention?

There could be a whole separate blog piece on where those feelings stem from…..but not this one.

Anyway, other peoples’ inabilities to be reciprocal in relationships used to really impair me. I took the neglect deeply personally.

After many repeat lessons (thank you Universe), working on myself, learning and growth- I finally have the clarity to understand that someone else’s version of interchange may not match my own. That other people may not understand or value the give and receive flow in relationships. They may not understand my love language. For that matter, be aware languages of love even exist, never mind my own dialect. Perhaps this person has been crippled by their own past and is not woke in their present. They may be stifled or unavailable as a mode of self-protection. Connection may not be so vital to them. Whatever the reasons are for the lack, it is not my problem. It has little if anything to do with me. It is not a statement on my worth. It is not a measure of my value. It is not about me at all.

What freedom! I literally feel lighter when I shrug off the burden of trying to interpret the behaviors of others. And those people are in turn free to be exactly who and where they are in life without me taking their journey personally or somehow making it about me (how very self-important of me?!). Because in all reality it is not about me.

I am only responsible for my end of the relationship and I if choose to remove myself because I am not getting what I want out of it, then I am free to do so.

Now look, I am not referring to the people having a rough go of life in the present moment. I get it. I have lived in that space. I am referring to those people you may really like and enjoy but feel as if you are always chasing, inviting, pursuing. I call that “sometimes” behavior. As in, “sometimes” they’re my best friend and “sometimes” they can’t be bothered. I don’t mesh well with that style of friendship. I am a person who is loyal and steadfast. If I call you friend it is not casually. It means I care.

I think I am going to weed out my “sometimes” friends and shift my attention to the people in my life who are “all the time”. The people who reciprocate in a language I understand.

What are your thoughts on the flux of relationships?



17 thoughts on “Reciprocity

  1. Totally agree on weeding. I am just now realizing I also invested too much in the wrong people. My life is crazy. Busy. Emotional…. Just like everyone, I’m sure… But at the end of the day…. I need to recalibrate. Get out of saying yes to what I don’t want…. And start being with people who share the same qualities in life as I! Lifters and positive vibes only!

    Liked by 3 people

    1. You said that so beautifully!!!! Yes girl! My tribe!


  2. As we get older our group of friends will get smaller. People outgrow each other. That’s okay, that’s just life. People get married, have kids, change jobs, go through life changing experiences, etc. Sometimes those changes dont include bringing you. However, your true friends will always remain. Weeding people out isn’t always necessary, most of the time they do it themselves. We have to sometimes remember that life is tough and even if we dont hear from someone they’re still thinking of us but going through a tough time. However, if you find yourself constantly reaching out and theres no answer, you have to stop calling. Great post, Melissa 🌻❤🦋

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Another great point! Absolutely! We all grow and change and I encourage that! I myself have and continue to outgrow certain people and situations. I just don’t want to always be the “mover and the shaker” so to speak. Thanks!


  3. Girl, I have been having this thought for a decade now… With each passing relationship I realize that I give it my all and yet “reciprocation” is scarce. I’m told “You do too much, you open up too much, you are too friendly.” Well, what is the point of life unless you can be yourself and be real? If myself is “too much” then I rather move along and look for the other “too munchers” Lol👏🏻 I am sure one day I will find them, frolicking in a field waiting for my arrival. Until then I will keep reminding myself “It’s not a fault to be too much.” Thank you for another awesome blog post. Xo

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I agree! We should not feel as though we have to restrain from being and giving as we are! I just got a mental image of the “to much” club frolicking together in a field! Lol! Thank you!


    2. You will be “too much” for some people. these are not your people!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Habe you read the Book The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck? I can’t recommend it enough my dear. Amazing book. So much love your way!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Not yet, it’s downloaded and in my queque! Thanks!


  5. This was great. I like the idea of “shrug[ging] off the burden of trying to interpret the behaviors of others.” A lot of the stuff on focusing on of late has to do with things in my control and not in my control and you make a great point about that with respect to relationships. Of course, there’s the self-judgment piece you referenced as well, taking on the blame for other’s behaviours. Often problematic. I think “weeding out” harmful relationships is a great idea. Life is short.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Keeping in mind what’s within our realm of control is a daily challenge! I have to say after the initial “missing” of a person or idea of the relationship I thought was- I feel a lot lighter.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m glad. I see someone mentioned “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck”. I think you’ll enjoy it. Ditto “The Enchiridion” by Epictetus. You hold a lot of their philosohpical points innately.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I will check them both out! Thx

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Pretty much my Main Street right now. I just don’t have the will to try and find the energy to feed to those “sometimers” or “fluff” friends. Real life sometimes means going quiet for a bit, but it doesn’t mean only showing up when you want something. Those folks are long since jettisoned *ptoing*. I love my gals who get that I can be quiet, but still make time for the real stuffs.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I have saved up a few of your posts to read and reread. So I’m a bit late here. These posts of yours always make me think!! As someone on the verge of turning 65, I have had many changes in my friendships & relationships. From a very young age trying to “fit in” I would do whatever I could for you to like me. An occasional friend, I cannot remember a real bestie from about age 10 to maybe my 40’s. (Sorry, I get wordy and that’s a story for another time.) Currently, I find I have few I feel close to and that I truly want to spend time with and I know they love me. Circumstances sometimes prevent me from giving those I care about more time. That’s on me, I know relationships take work. I no longer have the energy to chase after someone to keep them in my life, but I am always here for those that I have kinship with. I miss having my “tribe” of ladies I once had. I am grateful I had that once. Cherish those memories. Again, I’m working on my being so wordy! Love your post!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. As always Deb, thank you so much for being you!


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