Lately I have been pondering reciprocity in relationships….. Mostly because I am tired of getting my feelings hurt every time an extension of my affection for someone is slighted. I am tired of exerting unmatched energy into building the relationship. I have been considering how mutual some of my “friends” are and whether I’d like to continue to actively pursue relationships with people that are unavailable to me.
Fortunately, I am in a much healthier place than I used to be. In the past, if I was rejected by a friend I would turn myself inside out with feelings of hurt and rejection. I would obsess and puzzle over what was wrong with me for days? Why didn’t this person find me worthy of their time and attention?
There could be a whole separate blog piece on where those feelings stem from…..but not this one.
Anyway, other peoples’ inabilities to be reciprocal in relationships used to really impair me. I took the neglect deeply personally.
After many repeat lessons (thank you Universe), working on myself, learning and growth- I finally have the clarity to understand that someone else’s version of interchange may not match my own. That other people may not understand or value the give and receive flow in relationships. They may not understand my love language. For that matter, be aware languages of love even exist, never mind my own dialect. Perhaps this person has been crippled by their own past and is not woke in their present. They may be stifled or unavailable as a mode of self-protection. Connection may not be so vital to them. Whatever the reasons are for the lack, it is not my problem. It has little if anything to do with me. It is not a statement on my worth. It is not a measure of my value. It is not about me at all.
What freedom! I literally feel lighter when I shrug off the burden of trying to interpret the behaviors of others. And those people are in turn free to be exactly who and where they are in life without me taking their journey personally or somehow making it about me (how very self-important of me?!). Because in all reality it is not about me.
I am only responsible for my end of the relationship and I if choose to remove myself because I am not getting what I want out of it, then I am free to do so.
Now look, I am not referring to the people having a rough go of life in the present moment. I get it. I have lived in that space. I am referring to those people you may really like and enjoy but feel as if you are always chasing, inviting, pursuing. I call that “sometimes” behavior. As in, “sometimes” they’re my best friend and “sometimes” they can’t be bothered. I don’t mesh well with that style of friendship. I am a person who is loyal and steadfast. If I call you friend it is not casually. It means I care.
I think I am going to weed out my “sometimes” friends and shift my attention to the people in my life who are “all the time”. The people who reciprocate in a language I understand.
What are your thoughts on the flux of relationships?