1/ 9/19: Today has been a rough day. It unraveled before it even began. My negative self talk exacerbated the whole day by constantly berating and shaming me. I could not get out of my own way. I could not shake off my bullshit shaming and blaming dance that I do to myself.
And so the day unfurled and droned on. And I was angry at myself and lashing inward. Even though I know that I am being unreasonable and ridiculously cruel to myself. My mother’s words echo faintly in my head, “You’re being too hard on yourself, baby girl!”. I know it’s true. But I can’t stop it today.
This may sound absurd but sometimes I truly feel like I am failure at this whole life thing. Like I don’t really know what the hell I am doing. I am just rolling along like a tumbleweed. Honestly, I am not sure what winning at life looks like. I am smiling to myself now, because I recognize that it maybe resembles my life. And some of my shame slides away with my smile and internal giggle.
At least I can laugh at myself and my self destructive neurotic behavior.
I am sure you are curious about what set me off. Must be some big juicy scandal!
Nope, not at all. I am angry with myself because I am not living up to my expectations.
Because I created goals for 2019 and have yet to adhere to them perfectly.
How crazy is that?!
I like to set goals for the year not set the tone. To move forward with living my dreams. To become a better human. Not to chastise myself if I don’t check off all of the boxes every day.
I accept others’ mistakes and forgive easily. I encourage flexibility and fluidity knowing that I am not in control. Yet, here I am ruining my day over something I can only address moving forward. Addressing my inability to perform in the manner that I would like may require me to forgive myself and reevaluate my goals and the expectations that I have set. To be reasonable with myself and exist in the moment.
Oh Yeah- wasn’t existing in the moment one of those goals?!
How can I release this weight of not doing enough or incompletion? How do I cut my ties between my self -worth and my to-do list or goal list? Why is my self- esteem tied into performance? I am no longer in school. No one is giving out life grades.
Typing this out I recognize how defeating this cycle is. The cycle of doing or achieving to value myself.
Why am I not enough for myself just as I am?
Can anyone relate to these frustrations? Leave me a comment.
xxxxxx
Melissa
Reinvention is a Mutha! 
Deep breathe in, breathe the bullshit out. You got this lady. I can completely understand and was having a similar talk with myself yesterday. I’m quick to forgive others but letting myself off the hook is so much harder. From this moment on, you’ve inspired me to make that a goal this year. Forgiving myself first and always. We are not perfect, we are human meat sacks who mess up. And that okay.
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Amen to that! I am having a manic Monday for sure! And I am thinking how important is this BS??? And is this what I want to do with my day?? Thanks for being real and supportive!
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i hate days like that, days when you feel like you’re in a battle with your brain, and your brain is winning. like you, i set goals and like you, a berate myself when i fail to execute them perfectly. i’m much more compassionate with others; why is it so hard to be nice to ourselves.
i think writing about it to unpack it and analyze it is a great way to deal.
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Thank you and to hear that you are not alone!
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It is so relatable.. Sometimes just not feeling alone in these feelings helps. You are not alone. You are doing just fine at life ❤
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